Starting on a Low Note...
Having felt the urge for some time now to begin a blog which would become a journal of sorts, I've finally commited to creating and starting tonight (now early morning). This comes after what seems like a series of unfortunate events this past week. However, to feel the fullness of my disdain. I feel that I must begin by saying that I've had a really bad/sad/miserable/regretable past couple of years. This year, 2010, was to be my comeback of sorts in taking back my life and creating the life I have always wanted. It is now November 12th and with the days in the year dwindling I feel that my hope is fading. My 34th birthday is in four days and I really believed that things this year were going to end on a high note. However, the year isn't over yet and I still have a little flicker of light in my hope flame left. So I'm hoping for a turn around sometime soon.
After teaching public school for a few years I found that I neither had the desire nor the emotional/physical energy to continue. My marriage was a series of unsuccessful attempts to bring two ill suited people to a common ground, and ended after nearly eight years. I found that I had lost myself. Truly lost myself, and was both scared and worried I wouldn't be able to find me. I realized this several years in when I wrote a song called "Wasted Life" which was about all the time I had wasted and let slip through my fingers. Where had I gone for so many years? I realized while looking at pictures of events in my life that I couldn't remember many of these events. I was in the picture, I was smiling and seemed engaged, but my mind had checked out and my body was going through the motions for me. I found that I was on "autopilot" for years and years. What a sad existence! Once I was seperated and seeing a therapist, I came to the realization that all my big life decisions througout my life were done to please other people. I began with pleasing my parents, my friends, my boyfriends, my church, my teachers, my bosses, my husband, everyone else, but me. I chose not to go away to college because my parents wanted me to stay close and so did a younger boyfriend that I had. I chose to switch from a Theater major to a Liberal Studies major because that was the "wise" thing to do according to a guidance counselor and my parents. I chose to not study in London, because my soon-to-be fiance wanted me to stay close. I chose to go into teaching because according to others it was a good career. I chose to follow through with a wedding I didn't want to have, because I couldn't disappoint my parents or the church. EVERY major life decision I made was made while thinking of someone else. I NEVER thought about what I wanted. I REALLY wanted to go away to school and live in dorms, I REALLY wanted to work within the realms of Theater/Film, I REALLY wanted to study and live in LOndon, and I REALLY didn't want to be a teacher, I REALLY didn't want to get married to that man. I have now learned that I have to live my life for myself. I can't think of it as being selfish either, it's what one is supposed to do. I can't live my life for anyone else but me. So, starting over without a job, a husband, and nobody to tell me what to do is empowering. I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!!!
This week I had some major setbacks which kind of led me to become discouraged with life again. I was supposed to be the director of a student film for a filmmaking class I'm in, but the subject matter wasn't settling to my spirit or my mind and I had to refuse the position. I was sent a rejection letter for a job that I really wanted and suited both my financial needs and my personality. I then found that several jobs I had found to apply to were just scams and were nothing but a phishing scam. On tope of that I got food poisoning from one of my favorite Japanese restaurants!! So, here I am on November 12th still looking for work since before my last day of working back on January 11th. At this time I still haven't had any opportunities to work on film projects. I also have a bit of a jaded feeling towards humans who are always trying to gain access to my personal information. HOWEVER...(and it's a big HOWEVER) I can't and will not lose hope. I absolutely hate having to be saved at "the eleventh" hour (like my friend Lori refers to the last minuteness of things coming through)but I must believe that good things are ahead.
I want to encourage others who may be in their own "eleventh hour" to hang on to hope. There is a song that I like and it says, "Hold fast, help is on the way" I believe that with all my heart. I know that I have a faith in a God that ALWAYS comes through for me. He will come through for you too. You and I will just have to wait and see!!! Help is on the way!! I'm ready for it, bring it on and let's do great things with this life I've been given!!
After teaching public school for a few years I found that I neither had the desire nor the emotional/physical energy to continue. My marriage was a series of unsuccessful attempts to bring two ill suited people to a common ground, and ended after nearly eight years. I found that I had lost myself. Truly lost myself, and was both scared and worried I wouldn't be able to find me. I realized this several years in when I wrote a song called "Wasted Life" which was about all the time I had wasted and let slip through my fingers. Where had I gone for so many years? I realized while looking at pictures of events in my life that I couldn't remember many of these events. I was in the picture, I was smiling and seemed engaged, but my mind had checked out and my body was going through the motions for me. I found that I was on "autopilot" for years and years. What a sad existence! Once I was seperated and seeing a therapist, I came to the realization that all my big life decisions througout my life were done to please other people. I began with pleasing my parents, my friends, my boyfriends, my church, my teachers, my bosses, my husband, everyone else, but me. I chose not to go away to college because my parents wanted me to stay close and so did a younger boyfriend that I had. I chose to switch from a Theater major to a Liberal Studies major because that was the "wise" thing to do according to a guidance counselor and my parents. I chose to not study in London, because my soon-to-be fiance wanted me to stay close. I chose to go into teaching because according to others it was a good career. I chose to follow through with a wedding I didn't want to have, because I couldn't disappoint my parents or the church. EVERY major life decision I made was made while thinking of someone else. I NEVER thought about what I wanted. I REALLY wanted to go away to school and live in dorms, I REALLY wanted to work within the realms of Theater/Film, I REALLY wanted to study and live in LOndon, and I REALLY didn't want to be a teacher, I REALLY didn't want to get married to that man. I have now learned that I have to live my life for myself. I can't think of it as being selfish either, it's what one is supposed to do. I can't live my life for anyone else but me. So, starting over without a job, a husband, and nobody to tell me what to do is empowering. I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!!!
This week I had some major setbacks which kind of led me to become discouraged with life again. I was supposed to be the director of a student film for a filmmaking class I'm in, but the subject matter wasn't settling to my spirit or my mind and I had to refuse the position. I was sent a rejection letter for a job that I really wanted and suited both my financial needs and my personality. I then found that several jobs I had found to apply to were just scams and were nothing but a phishing scam. On tope of that I got food poisoning from one of my favorite Japanese restaurants!! So, here I am on November 12th still looking for work since before my last day of working back on January 11th. At this time I still haven't had any opportunities to work on film projects. I also have a bit of a jaded feeling towards humans who are always trying to gain access to my personal information. HOWEVER...(and it's a big HOWEVER) I can't and will not lose hope. I absolutely hate having to be saved at "the eleventh" hour (like my friend Lori refers to the last minuteness of things coming through)but I must believe that good things are ahead.
I want to encourage others who may be in their own "eleventh hour" to hang on to hope. There is a song that I like and it says, "Hold fast, help is on the way" I believe that with all my heart. I know that I have a faith in a God that ALWAYS comes through for me. He will come through for you too. You and I will just have to wait and see!!! Help is on the way!! I'm ready for it, bring it on and let's do great things with this life I've been given!!
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